45 Questions to Fall in Love (Inspired by the Famous 36 Questions Study)

In the 1990s, psychologist Arthur Aron ran a now-famous study: pairs of strangers asked each other a series of increasingly personal questions, then stared into each other’s eyes for four minutes. Many reported feeling surprisingly close afterwards. The idea behind it is simple: gradual, mutual vulnerability builds intimacy.

You do not need a lab to use that idea. Below are 45 original questions inspired by the same principle, in three rounds that go deeper each time. They work on a date, with a partner of ten years, or with someone you just met.

How to do it

1. Sit face to face. Put your phones away.
2. Take turns reading a question. Both of you answer.
3. Do not skip ahead. The gradual build is the point.
4. Finish with two minutes of eye contact. It is awkward. Then it is not.

Round 1: Getting comfortable

1. If you could have coffee with anyone, alive or not, who and why?
2. What does a perfect ordinary day look like for you?
3. When did you last sing out loud, and what?
4. What is something you are looking forward to this month?
5. If you could master one skill overnight, what would it be?
6. What is your earliest happy memory?
7. What would you want to be famous for?
8. What is a small thing that always makes your day better?
9. What is the best advice you have ever received?
10. Where would you go if you could leave tomorrow?
11. What is a book, song or film that changed the way you think?
12. What does your ideal weekend look like?
13. What were you like at age twelve?
14. What is something that always makes you laugh?
15. What are you most grateful for right now?

Round 2: Going deeper

1. What is something you have dreamed of doing for a long time but have not done yet?
2. What is your proudest achievement so far?
3. What do you value most in a friendship?
4. What is a memory you treasure more than anything?
5. What is your most painful memory, if you are comfortable sharing?
6. How close is your family, and how do you feel about that?
7. If you knew you had one year left, what would you change?
8. What does love mean to you?
9. What is a belief you held strongly that you have since changed?
10. What do you think you are like in a relationship?
11. What are three things you think we have in common?
12. What is something you have never told anyone on a first date?
13. When do you feel most like yourself?
14. What is a fear you have not talked about much?
15. What would you want someone to know before getting close to you?

Round 3: Real vulnerability

1. What is something you like about me that you have not said yet?
2. What is one thing you wish people understood about you?
3. When did you last cry in front of someone, and why?
4. What is something you are still trying to forgive yourself for?
5. What is the most important thing a partner can give you?
6. What is an embarrassing moment you can laugh about now?
7. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
8. What is something you have learned from a past relationship?
9. What makes you feel safe with someone?
10. What is something you want to hear more often?
11. What does home feel like to you?
12. What is one hope you have for us, or for tonight?
13. What part of your life are you most afraid of losing?
14. What would you want me to know about you that you have never shared?
15. Share a moment from tonight when you felt closer to me.